An Interview with DJ S-Clau$$y.

“Mr. Claus?”

“Ayo, it’s DJ S-Clau$$y to you”

“Um….S-Claussy…?”

“It ain’t just Claussy! It’s Clau$$y, with the dolla’ sign and errrthin’. Don’t forget the cha-ching yo!”

“Alright. Mr…err, Mr. DJ S-Clau$$y, you’re on in ten minutes. Would you like to touch up your make-up?”

“Nah boo. I’m au natural. Does this face look like it needs make-up? And anyway, I don’t like peasants touching my glorious viking beard. Hands off”

“……..Ok. And we’re on in 3…2…1…”

*ACTION!*

“Welcome to Cookies with Santa! Joining us is the one and only-”

“AYO WADDUP IT’S YO BOY DJ S-CLAU$$Y, NOW WATCH ME SLIDE DOWN YO CHIMNEY, AND STUFF YOUR STOCKING WITH MY-“

CUT! What the hell was that?!”

“Uh…my intro rap. Thanks for ruining my flo’ dawg”

“I don’t remember asking you to rap? Now, if you could just stick to the script and let us complete the interview-”

“Does the script involve me stuffing your stocking with-“

“STICK. TO. THE. SCRIPT”

*ACTION!*

“Welcome to Cookies with Santa! Now, Mr. Santa, what do you have to say to the kids all over the world this Christmas?”

“Little dawgs, ya’ll better be good to each other coz Imma be watchin’ you! And to the dawgs and dawgettes over 18, I’m MOST DEFINITELY  watching you 😉 And if you like that, hit me up on-“

CUT! You do realize that 90% of your audience demographic is under the age of 10, right?”

“I knoooow but I’m just letting their sisters know that I’m chill, ya kno? Or brothers, I’m cool with anything yo, 2016 and all that”

“Keep it PG, Claussy”

*ACTION!*

“So Santa, how many elves do you have helping you during this time of the year?”

“Elves?! Ain’t nobody hiring those sons of….er…sons of elves anymore man. They’re nasty li’l shitt….ttake mushrooms. They lazy as fu…tons. One minute they’re all doin’ their biz, and suddenly, they start protestin’ about stuff like ‘paid leaves’ and ‘increased wages’, like BRUH. You wouldn’t even be existing if it weren’t for my magic! Oh no dawg, I got rid o’ dem shrooms a long time ago”

“If there aren’t any elves, then who’s helping you now?”

“I’m glad you asked. Drumroll please….everybody, meet SANTA’S HOES!”

CUT! DUDE! Wha-”

“What do you think of my hoes? Let me rephrase that- what do you think of my gardening tools that I’ve magicked into helping me?”

“Hoes…”

*ACTION!*

“My hoes are super cool. I’ve charmed them into cleaning all dat nasty ish up. What’s more, they help spank those little critters who come in to steal all dem presents. They good spankers. And tell yo sister that these hoes? they be loyal”

“NEXT QUESTION. How is Rudolph these days?”

“Rudolph? Yo, my man’s doin’ gooooood. He’s working on his mixtape which is LIT. I’ve got it here right now, here-“

“Oh ha ha that’s wonderful, but I don’t think-”

“My favourite is track number 2, ‘My nose ain’t the only thing red and glowin”, which I helped produce, along with track number 4, ‘Sniffin’ a line of-‘”

CUT! A Mixtape? REALLY?!”

“Hey, I’m jus’ watchin’ out for my boy yo, ain’t nothin wrong with that”

“Ok, look. We’re all really tired, yeah? So if you could just answer the last question without any unnecessary innuendos, that’d be lovely”

“A’ight”

*ACTION!*

“Now Santa, any messages to the families who are looking forward to your visit?”

“Don’t forget to leave out the scotch…uh milk and cookies! And keep your chimneys smooth and clean, coz Clau$$y likes em smooth and shaved…er..clean-“

“ANNNNNNND I think we’re done-”

-and remember I only come once a year, and you know what they say about my sack-“

“Yo cameraman, cut it already-”

“-I can’t wait for you lovely ladies (and men) to unwrap my gift-“

CUT CUT CUT CUT!!!!!!

“HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS YA’LL!”

WBG :)x

 

 

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