That’s right ya’ll.
I’ve cracked the code. I’ve discovered the treasured secret that’s been boggling the minds of every twenty-something beings to ever walk this planet. The secret behind the Mona Lisa’s smile. With the power of science and extremely well thought-out logical reasoning, I’ve done it! Get that Nobel Prize with my name on it already!
So, without further ado, here’s how YOU, a total noob in adulting (I’m assuming, otherwise why else would you have opened this post?), can Adult like a fully-functioning Adult! Just follow my instructions step-by-step, and you’ll Adult like a pro in no time!
WARNING: These are based on actual experiences, thus, you may proceed but with caution because another Adult’s reactions are subjective to the ever changing conversation, environment, etc., thereby proving how volatile Adults can be! Have courage!
- Getting things done
Ever had that one day, where you wake up super early, go for a run, drink a smoothie, eat healthy, and actually get work done, and you feel like you’ve got life all figured out? And then the very next day, or the next two or three days at the most, you feel yourself getting lazy and annoyed, only to wind up on the couch watching netflix and thinking about how you suck at being productive? Well, the solution is to change your perspective! Instead of cribbing, you’re basically just rewarding yourself for all that hard work you put in the previous day! The trick is to maintain the adulting to non-adulting ratio, and the best part is, there’s no constraint! You’ve adulted for 3 days? Great, then don’t adult for the remaining 4 days! See? It’s your call! Master this technicality and you’re well on your way!
2. Making new friends
Too tired to make new friends? Fret not, because it’s a common tragedy. Most of us are already well invested, or balls-deep, into our gang or squad, that we find it utterly exhausting to go over the entire cycle of a “blossoming friendship” with someone new! Think about it, we first have to be all nice and friendly, while silently judging when the time is right to reveal our quirks, and whether they’ll appreciate it or get scared and splash our face with holy water! As you can see, it’s pretty tiring. Sometimes, someone comes along and you JUST HAVE TO know them, talk to them and become friends, without wasting your time, so what do you do then?
1) PLACE A TRAP: Use the Hansel strategy of leaving behind breadcrumbs, but in this case, place shots of their preferred alcohol in a line leading up to your room
2) LASSO THEM: When they’re too far in and drunk, and tie them up
3) HOLD ON: Till they finally realize that they’re never getting rid of you. NEVER!
Congrats! You now have a new friend!
So, you just happened to gaze upon a magnificent recipe for this heavenly dish that makes your mouth water. Get into your car, go to the grocery store, buy all the ingredients for the said heavenly dish, and now your work begins. But wait! Don’t you need an apron to wear while you cook? And matching oven mitts? Buy them too. You need to look good when you Instagram the whole thing! A notebook to write down the recipe? Done and done! What if you get hungry while cooking? Better grab those cookies and Pringles while you’re at it. Oh look! Those penguin shaped cookie cutters are so darn cute! Grab them!
Now go home, order a pizza, and watch T.V.
If you haven’t done this at least once, you have failed as an adult, and I suggest you walk out of this post with me behind you yelling “SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!”
4. Saving money
Mentally calculate what’s left in your bank balance after a hard night out, and if that makes you all sweaty and anxious, then it’s time you switch on SURVIVAL MODE: NATURE and live off on sunlight and water till your next month’s paycheck. Nothing makes you feel more attuned to nature than your empty wallet.
5. Dealing with other Adultier Adults
Now this has many different categories depending on the types of Adultier Adults, so pay attention:
People who work in Corporate or various businesses: Reply with phrases like “I’d have to agree with you on that” while giving them your winning smile. Throw in words like “investments” and “stock” and “tax benefits” and you’ve evaded capture.
Your nosy relatives (especially the women): They don’t care about your goasl, vision, and how you want to make the world a better place! No way! The only way to shut them up is to tell them your salary (add a few more zeroes at the end) and who you’re currently banging…er, I mean, dating.
Married friends and friends with kids: HIDE. Find the nearest room, or if you’re outside, hide under a bush and pray that they didn’t notice you.
In fact, forget everything that I mentioned above! Hide your butt from everyone! Adultier Adults are scary!
6. Scheduling appointments
Sigh. I’m sorry to tell you guys that the only way to get this done is to make your mom do it. I mean, who knows your body and health much better than you do?! Your mother! There wasn’t much science involved in this to figure this one out.
7. Paying the bills
Did you know that you can use your bills as toilet paper or sticky-notes, thereby saving you some money and well, look who’s Adulting now!
8. Unexpected guests at home
Of course, our folks or some of our friends decide to pay us unexpected visits, time and again, so make sure you:
Leave a bowl of water out
Open your windows to avoid suffocation
Hide your stash of alcohol, and all your junk food
Spend some time with them, and pet them every once in a while
9. Un-Adult yourself
On your days off, don’t even bother Adulting! Ignore everyone and everything, wrap yourself in a blanket like a burrito, get into your blanket fort and just start colouring. You need a well deserved break from all that responsible Adulting that you do all week! So, take time to enjoy!
Well, those are some life-saving points that I put forth, and if you follow them all, you’ll soon be Adulting all over the place, and well, people will look at you and go “Look at that Adult. Such Adult. Much wow”